Older adults have stories to tell. Sometimes, all it takes to hear one is a good question.
At Christian Health Care Center in Lynden, we have the honor of caring for people who have lived rich and varied lives. As they continue their journey through life, one way we can walk alongside them is through conversation.
That opportunity isn’t limited to caregivers. Family members, friends and others who spend time with an aging loved one can make meaningful connections simply by being curious about the person in front of them.
What are good questions to ask an older adult?
A conversation doesn’t have to be long or profound to be meaningful. CHCC Chaplain Eric Depew suggests starting with simple questions such as:
- Are you from here?
- Are you having a good day? What’s making today good?
- What did you do for work?
- Do you have family nearby?
- Do you have a favorite song, author or Bible verse?
- What role has faith played in your life?
- What is something most people don’t know about you?
- What are you most proud of?
The most important part may be what comes next: Listen to the answer and allow it to lead the conversation somewhere unexpected.
Listen for what might be behind the words
Sometimes a simple statement can carry a deeper meaning.
For example, in a long-term care setting, an older adult might say, “I want to go home.” They may simply mean they want to return to their room. Or those words may express a deeper longing for a place, people or time in their life.
Instead of assuming what “home” means, try asking:
“Which home?”
“What is home for you?”
“What makes a place feel like home?”
Depew recalls talking with one CHCC resident who fondly remembered several places she had lived and missed each of them. In the end, though, she happily told him that home was wherever her family was.
A simple question had opened the door to memories that mattered to her.
Conversation still matters when words are difficult
Not every older adult can participate in a traditional back-and-forth conversation. Some people have difficulty speaking in full sentences or forming words at all.
That doesn’t mean the interaction isn’t meaningful or possible. Here are some tips to cope with communications challenges.
They may still be listening, watching and responding in ways that aren’t verbal. A familiar name, question or memory may prompt them to think about an important person, place or experience from their past.
Depew has seen this happen with CHCC residents. Sometimes he receives little or no verbal response after asking a question, but that doesn’t mean the question was unsuccessful.
“The point wasn’t necessarily for me to hear the answer,” he said. “They were reminded of something in their lives and were blessed to remember it.”
Make room for the story
When spending time with an older adult, it can be tempting to fill quiet moments or focus on what needs to be done. Instead, consider making room for a question.
Ask about the job they once had. Ask what authors or musicians they love. Ask about their family, their faith or what they’re proud of. Ask what home means to them.
Then listen.
You may learn something you didn’t know. You may bring back a treasured memory. Most importantly, you may remind someone that their experiences, memories and stories still matter.